BDSM Ideas: 35 Things to Try, From First Steps to Full Dynamics

BDSM covers a lot of ground: bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. That’s why “where do we start?” is such a common question. Here are 35 BDSM ideas for couples, sorted by type, from small first steps to ongoing dynamics. Each one starts gentle, and each links to a full guide so you can do it safely.

If you’re brand new, read what BDSM actually is and our beginner’s guide first. For lighter, everyday kink, our 30 kinky sex ideas are a good companion to this list.

Before you try anything

• Agree a safeword. “Red” to stop, “yellow” to slow down is a common pair. Add a non-verbal signal if talking might be hard.
• Compare limits. Our yes/no/maybe list shows you where your answers match and where they don’t.
• One new thing at a time, so you know what you liked.
• Plan the after. Aftercare matters even after a mild session.

Power exchange rituals

The heart of BDSM for many couples: one of you leads, the other follows.

1. An opening ritual. Start every session the same way: the dominant says a set phrase, or the submissive kneels on a cushion. It marks the switch from everyday life into the dynamic.
2. A closing ritual. End just as clearly: a hug, a thank you, taking off a collar. Roles go down; you’re equals again.
3. Titles. Sir, Miss, Mistress, or a word that’s just yours. Using it only during play makes it powerful.
4. Permission rules. The submissive asks before sitting, eating dessert, or touching. Small rules, big feelings. See rules and protocols.
5. A collar for play. Fastened at the start of a session, removed at the end. See collaring.
6. A greeting. The submissive greets the dominant in an agreed way when they come home: waiting at the door, a particular kiss, a set phrase.

Discipline: rules, tasks and rewards

7. One rule for the week. Something simple, like a goodnight message with one thing you’re grateful for. Keeping it earns a reward.
8. A task list. The dominant sets three small tasks (make the coffee, choose tomorrow’s outfit, send a photo of a finished chore). Each one done well earns praise. Our list of sub tasks has 100 more ideas.
9. Rewards first. Build the habit with rewards before you ever try consequences: a massage, choosing the film, a favourite treat.
10. “Funishments”. Playful consequences you both secretly enjoy, like an extra spank or being tickled. Real punishment that causes real upset has no place here.
11. A check-in report. Each evening, the submissive reports how the rules went. The dominant listens, praises and adjusts.

Bondage

Being held still, or holding someone still. Our 25 bondage ideas go much further; here are the easiest first steps.

12. Hold their wrists down with one hand while you kiss them.
13. “Don’t move.” An order to keep their hands above their head, with no restraint at all.
14. Soft cuffs on the bed, with two fingers’ room under each one and safety shears within reach. See our types of bondage.
15. A blindfold. Taking away sight makes every touch bigger. See sensory deprivation.

Sensation and impact

16. A spanking that builds. Start with light pats from an open hand, rub between spanks, and build slowly. Bottom and upper thighs only. See spanking.
17. A counting game. The submissive counts each spank out loud. Lose count, and the set starts again.
18. A flogger, for heavy, thuddy strokes across the upper back or bottom. See impact play.
19. Hot and cold. Ice followed by warm breath. See temperature play.
20. Wax, using only low-temperature candles made for skin. See wax play.
21. Nails and teeth, lightly at first, only where you’ve agreed.

Control

22. Permission to finish. One partner decides if and when the other can orgasm. See orgasm denial.
23. Edging. Bring them close, stop, and repeat. See edging.
24. Total stillness. For ten minutes, the submissive may not move or speak unless told to.
25. Choosing for them. For one evening, the dominant makes every decision: food, clothes, film, bedtime.
26. Chastity, for couples drawn to longer-term control. Start without a device. See chastity.

Words and roleplay

27. Praise. “Good girl”, “good boy”, “I’m proud of you”, said specifically and often. See praise kink.
28. Begging. The submissive has to ask, clearly and in full sentences, for what comes next.
29. A roleplay with a power gap. A strict boss, a royal and a servant, a bodyguard and their client, always between adults. Roll one with our roleplay generator.
30. Brat and tame. The submissive misbehaves on purpose; the dominant “tames” them. See brats.
31. Primal play. Chase, wrestle and pin, with hands off the neck. See primal play.

Everyday and long-distance dynamics

32. A discreet day collar, a private reminder that only you two understand. See day collars.
33. Morning instructions. A message with one instruction for the day, and a reply when it’s done.
34. Outfit rules. The dominant chooses one item the submissive wears, nothing anyone else would notice.
35. A written agreement. Once you know what works, write down your rules, limits and review date. See our BDSM contract guide.

Turn an idea into a session

Pick one or two ideas and give them a shape: a warm-up, the main idea, and a slow wind-down. Our scene planner does this for you, step by step, with safety notes and aftercare included. Not sure what to try? Spin the random kink generator for one idea at a time.

Stop if…

• Anyone uses the safeword or goes quiet, or seems upset, panicky or “not there”.
• Pain feels wrong (sharp, in a joint, or like nerve pain) rather than the good kind.
• Hands or feet go numb, cold or tingly during any restraint.
• A rule or consequence starts to feel like real pressure instead of play.

Afterwards

Make time for aftercare: water, warmth, closeness, and a chat about what you both enjoyed. Check in the next day too. Feeling low a day or two later, known as sub drop, is common and passes. For more to explore, try our BDSM games for couples or browse the full list of kinks.