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In everyday speech, a sadist is someone who takes pleasure in other people’s pain. That’s not what people mean in kink. There, a sadist is someone who enjoys giving pain, sensation or intensity to a partner who has agreed to it and enjoys receiving it. Their partner is usually a masochist, and together they make up the “S&M” in BDSM. Our S&M explainer covers the pair together.
Everyday meaning versus kink meaning
The two meanings share a word but not much else:
- The everyday sadist enjoys suffering that isn’t wanted. Think of a cruel boss or a bully.
- The kink sadist enjoys intensity that is wanted. Their pleasure depends on their partner’s: a sadist who loves spanking usually loves it most when their partner is squirming, laughing and asking for more.
That’s why consent isn’t a side detail here. It’s the whole difference between a kink and harm.
Where the word comes from
“Sadism” comes from the Marquis de Sade, an 18th-century French aristocrat and writer whose novels mixed sex and cruelty. In the 1880s the psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing used the word in his famous catalog of sexual behavior, alongside “masochism”. At the time, both were treated as illnesses. Today, consensual kink between adults isn’t considered a disorder; what concerns doctors is harm to people who haven’t agreed, or real distress.
What sadists actually enjoy
Sadism comes in different flavors, and most people lean towards one or two:
- Physical: impact play like spanking, paddling or a flogger; pinching, biting, scratching, wax or nipple clamps.
- Psychological: teasing, making a partner wait, orgasm denial, or agreed degradation.
- The reactions: for many sadists, the real thrill is watching their partner’s response, the gasps, the flinch, the trust it takes to hold still.
A sadist isn’t automatically a dom. Some love giving orders as well; others just love the sensation side and are happy to follow their partner’s lead on everything else.
What makes a good sadist
- Negotiation first. What kind of pain, where, how hard, what’s off limits, and a safeword. Our negotiation checklist walks you through it.
- Learning the craft. Where it’s safe to hit, how tools behave, and how to warm a partner up. Avoid the spine, kidneys, neck, face and joints.
- Reading your partner. Watch breathing, body language and how they answer check-ins. “Good pain” makes people lean in; “bad pain” makes them pull away or go quiet.
- Stopping cleanly. When the safeword comes, stop at once and without sulking.
- Aftercare, for both of you. Your partner may need water, warmth and reassurance. You might need it too: some sadists feel guilty or low after a big scene, sometimes called dom drop.
Stop if…
- Your partner uses the safeword, goes silent, or stops responding to check-ins.
- You see broken skin you didn’t agree to, or they mention numbness, tingling or joint pain.
- You notice you’re carrying on for your own sake after they’ve stopped enjoying it.
Where to go from here
If giving intensity appeals to you, start with our spanking guide and how to be a dom. Not sure yet which side you’re on? Our guide on whether you’re a dom or a sub and our kink quiz can help, and the list of kinks shows everything else in the family.
Try it together
Frequently asked questions
What does sadist mean?
In general use, a sadist is someone who takes pleasure in causing other people pain or suffering. In kink, the word is used for someone who enjoys giving pain, sensation or intensity to a partner who has agreed to it and enjoys receiving it. The consent is what separates the two.
Where does the word sadist come from?
From the Marquis de Sade, an 18th-century French writer whose novels were full of cruelty and sex. The term 'sadism' was popularized in the 1880s by the psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing, who also named masochism after the novelist Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.
Is it bad to be a sadist?
Not in the kink sense. Enjoying giving consensual intensity to a willing partner is a common, healthy interest. What matters is how you do it: with clear agreement, limits, a safeword, close attention to your partner and proper aftercare.
What's the difference between a sadist and a dom?
A dom enjoys being in charge; a sadist enjoys giving pain or intensity. They often overlap, but not always. Some doms never cause pain at all, and some sadists have no interest in giving orders, they just love the sensation side of a scene.
What is a sadist's partner called?
Usually a masochist: someone who enjoys receiving pain or intensity. Together they're the 'S&M' in BDSM. Plenty of people enjoy both sides, depending on the partner or the day.