Masochist Meaning: What It Means to Enjoy Pain

In everyday speech, a masochist is someone who seems to go looking for suffering. In kink, the word means something more specific: someone who enjoys receiving pain, sensation or intensity from a partner they trust, within limits they’ve agreed. Their counterpart is a sadist, who enjoys giving it, and together they’re the “S&M” in BDSM. Our S&M explainer covers the pair together.

It’s more common than people think. In the national survey data we break down, 28.4% of U.S. adults found spanking appealing and 31.7% had tried it.

Where the word comes from

Masochism is named after Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, a 19th-century Austrian writer whose novel Venus in Furs is about a man who longs to be dominated by a woman. In the 1880s the psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing used his name for the desire to be hurt or humiliated, alongside “sadism”. Back then it was treated as an illness. Today, consensual kink between adults isn’t considered a disorder.

Pain kink: the everyday name for it

When people say they have a “pain kink”, they usually mean masochism. And most don’t like pain in general. Stubbing a toe is just as unpleasant for a masochist as for anyone else. What they enjoy is particular pain, in a particular setting:

• Sensations they’ve chosen, like a hard spank, a flogger, a bite, a scratch, wax or nipple clamps.
• From someone they trust, who is watching them closely.
• When they’re already turned on, which changes how pain feels.

Why pain can feel good

There’s no single answer, but people tend to describe a mix of:

• The body’s own chemistry. Intense sensation sets off a rush of adrenaline and endorphins. Some people get a floaty, euphoric high called subspace.
• Focus. It’s very hard to worry about work while someone is spanking you. Many masochists say pain switches their brain off.
• Trust and surrender. Letting someone hurt you, and knowing they’ll stop the moment you say so, is a powerful kind of closeness.
• Endurance and pride. Taking a bit more than last time can feel like an achievement.

Masochism can be emotional too: enjoying teasing, being made to wait (orgasm denial), or agreed degradation.

Good pain versus bad pain

Learning to tell these apart is the most useful skill a masochist can have:

• Good pain is the kind you lean into. It might be sharp, but it builds, fades and makes you want more.
• Bad pain is a warning: sharp pain in a joint, the spine or the lower back; numbness or tingling; anything that makes you pull away rather than lean in.

Say so straight away when something tips from good to bad. A partner can’t feel it for you.

How to explore it safely

• Agree it first. Which sensations, where on the body, how intense, and what’s off limits. Our yes/no/maybe list is a gentle way to compare notes.
• Have a safeword and a slow-down word, and use them. They’re a sign you trust the scene, not that you failed it.
• Start lighter than you think you want. Warmed-up skin and a relaxed body handle far more than a cold start.
• Don’t play to prove something. Going further than you enjoy, to impress a partner or yourself, is how people get hurt.
• Plan aftercare, and expect that you might feel low a day or two later (sub drop). It’s common and it passes.

Stop if…

• You feel bad pain: in a joint, the spine or kidneys, or with numbness or tingling.
• Skin breaks when that wasn’t agreed.
• You feel panicky, detached, or like you can’t speak up.
• You notice you want pain as punishment rather than pleasure. Pause, and talk to someone you trust, or a professional.

Where to go from here

If receiving intensity appeals to you, read how to be a good sub and bottoming for the first time, even if you’re not interested in obeying anyone. Our kink quiz and list of kinks can help you work out which sensations to try first.