Lesbian Strap-On Sex: A Beginner's Guide, Plus 6 Positions

A strap-on is a harness worn around the hips that holds a dildo in place, so the wearer can penetrate their partner hands-free. For lots of queer women it’s a favorite: it’s close, it leaves hands free, and it can feel playful, tender or powerful depending on the mood.

If you’re new to it, this guide covers what to buy, how to get comfortable, and six positions to try, with simple diagrams. For the basics of strap-ons in general, see our strap-on explainer.

Who wears it?

Whoever wants to. Wearing a strap-on doesn’t make someone the butch, the top or the dom, and receiving doesn’t make someone the femme or the sub. Plenty of couples take turns. If you are bringing a power dynamic into it, our lesbian BDSM guide covers how to negotiate that.

Choosing a strap-on for lesbians

• The harness matters most. It should sit snugly on the hips so the toy moves with you. Jockstrap and briefs styles are comfortable for beginners and hold the toy steadily. Our guide to strap-on harnesses compares the main types.
• The dildo should have a flared base that fits the harness’s O-ring. Start smaller and slimmer than you think: you can always size up.
• Body-safe silicone is easy to clean and lasts. Avoid porous materials you can’t sterilize.
• For the wearer’s pleasure, look for a harness with a pocket for a small vibrator, or a toy with a textured base. Double-ended and strapless dildos let both partners feel it, but take more practice.
• Lube: water-based works with every toy. Don’t use silicone lube on silicone toys.

Getting the fit right

1. Put the harness on before things heat up, so you’re not fiddling with buckles mid-moment.
2. Position the base just above the pubic bone, where your own body would naturally thrust from.
3. Tighten the straps until the toy doesn’t droop or flop, but you can still breathe and move comfortably.
4. Have a practice move. It’s a new way to use your hips. Slow, rolling movements work better than big thrusts.

Your first time

1. Warm up properly. Lots of kissing, touching, oral or fingers first. Arousal makes everything easier and more comfortable.
2. Lube the toy generously, and add more whenever things feel less slippery.
3. Let the receiver lead. Start with her on top, or ask her to guide the toy in herself.
4. Go slowly and check in. “More?”, “Slower?” and “How’s that?” are all hot questions.
5. Keep a hand on the base at first. It steadies the toy and helps you feel the angle.

6 strap-on positions

The person wearing the strap-on is orange (B) in each diagram, and the receiving partner is blue (A).

1. Receiver on top

The best first position. The wearer lies back; the receiver kneels astride and lowers herself onto the toy, controlling how deep and how fast. The wearer’s hands are free to touch, hold hips, or use a vibrator on her partner.

2. Missionary

Face to face, close and easy to kiss. The receiver lies back with her knees up; the wearer kneels between them and leans in. A pillow under the receiver’s hips changes the angle and often makes it much more comfortable.

3. From behind

The receiver is on her hands and knees, or lowered onto her forearms; the wearer kneels close behind. It can go deeper than other positions, so start slowly. The receiver can push back to set the depth herself.

4. Edge of the bed

The receiver lies back at the edge of the bed with a pillow under her hips; the wearer stands between her knees. Standing makes it easier for the wearer to move, and the receiver can rest her legs against her partner. Bed and body heights vary, so adjust with pillows or a bend in the wearer’s knees.

5. Spooning

Both of you lie on your sides, the wearer behind. It’s slow, shallow and intimate, and leaves the wearer’s hand free to reach around with a vibrator. Good for lazy mornings or longer sessions.

6. Seated

The wearer sits on the bed against the headboard, or on a sturdy chair; the receiver sits in her lap, facing her or facing away. Like receiver on top, the person receiving controls the movement, and you’re wrapped around each other.

Safer sex and hygiene

• Use a fresh condom on the dildo for each person, and change it between anal and vaginal sex. Or wash the toy in between.
• Only toys with a flared base for anal. Anything else can slip inside. If you’re curious about anal, our anal training guide explains how to start gently.
• Wash toys and harness after use, following the maker’s instructions.
• Test regularly if you’re not both tested and exclusive. Women can pass STIs to each other.

Stop if…

• There’s sharp pain rather than pressure or fullness.
• There’s bleeding, beyond a tiny spot. Talk to a doctor if it continues.
• The receiver goes quiet, tenses up, or asks to stop or slow down.

Afterwards

Take the harness off, cuddle, and talk about what worked and what you’d change. Many people find strap-on sex brings up big feelings, especially the first time, so make room for aftercare.

For more ideas, browse our lesbian sex positions, or the list of kinks if you’d like to add a twist.