What if I feel awkward or self-conscious talking during sex?

This is extremely common, especially for beginners — starting with something short and simple (affirming what feels good, rather than elaborate scripted lines) is far more natural than trying to sound like anything scripted, and awkwardness fades quickly with practice.

Do you need to plan dirty talk in advance?

Not usually — most people find it works better responding naturally to what's happening in the moment than trying to remember planned lines. That said, discussing general preferences (words that turn a partner on or off) beforehand can help it feel less awkward in the moment.

What if my partner and I have different comfort levels with dirty talk?

Very common, and worth discussing directly rather than assuming. Some people want minimal, gentle affirmation; others want much more explicit language. Starting on the milder end and asking what landed well is a low-pressure way to calibrate.

Is dirty talk the same as degradation?

No — dirty talk is the broad category of explicit or suggestive language during sex. Degradation is one specific style within that broader category, using deliberately belittling language. Most dirty talk is affirming or descriptive rather than degrading.

Does dirty talk work over text or phone, not just in person?

Yes — sexting and phone sex are essentially dirty talk in a different format, and for some couples it's actually easier to build comfort with explicit language over text first before bringing it into in-person encounters.

Dirty Talk: How to Actually Do It Well

Dirty talk means using explicit or suggestive language during sex to heighten arousal — anything from simple affirmations of what feels good to much more explicit description or direction. It’s one of the most broadly appealing and lowest-barrier ways to add intensity to sex, requiring no equipment or planning, just a willingness to speak up.

Why it works

Verbal language adds a layer that touch alone doesn’t: it signals what’s working, builds anticipation for what’s coming, and for a lot of people, simply hearing a partner’s arousal expressed out loud is itself arousing. It also doubles as real-time communication — confirming what feels good is useful information as well as being arousing to say and hear.

Getting comfortable with it

Self-consciousness is the most common barrier, and it’s worth starting smaller than feels necessary:

Start with simple affirmation — describing what feels good in the moment, rather than reaching for anything scripted or elaborate.
Respond to what’s happening rather than planning ahead — most dirty talk that feels natural is reactive, not rehearsed.
Discuss general preferences outside the moment — a quick conversation about what kind of language does or doesn’t land well removes a lot of the guesswork and awkwardness later.

Matching comfort levels with a partner

It’s common for two partners to have different comfort levels or preferences — one wanting minimal, gentle affirmation, the other wanting much more explicit or directive language. Starting milder and paying attention to (or directly asking about) what landed well is a low-pressure way to calibrate, rather than assuming both partners want the same thing.

Beyond in-person sex

Dirty talk isn’t limited to the bedroom — sexting and phone sex are essentially the same skill in a different format, and some people actually find it easier to build comfort with explicit language over text before bringing it into a live encounter.

Where it fits

Dirty talk sits in the verbal and psychological category of kink, and it pairs naturally with almost everything else on this site — praise kink and degradation are essentially specific flavors of it, each drawing on the same underlying skill in opposite directions.

2-minute quiz

What kind of kinkster are you?

→

Frequently asked questions

What if I feel awkward or self-conscious talking during sex?: This is extremely common, especially for beginners — starting with something short and simple (affirming what feels good, rather than elaborate scripted lines) is far more natural than trying to sound like anything scripted, and awkwardness fades quickly with practice.
Do you need to plan dirty talk in advance?: Not usually — most people find it works better responding naturally to what's happening in the moment than trying to remember planned lines. That said, discussing general preferences (words that turn a partner on or off) beforehand can help it feel less awkward in the moment.
What if my partner and I have different comfort levels with dirty talk?: Very common, and worth discussing directly rather than assuming. Some people want minimal, gentle affirmation; others want much more explicit language. Starting on the milder end and asking what landed well is a low-pressure way to calibrate.
Is dirty talk the same as degradation?: No — dirty talk is the broad category of explicit or suggestive language during sex. Degradation is one specific style within that broader category, using deliberately belittling language. Most dirty talk is affirming or descriptive rather than degrading.
Does dirty talk work over text or phone, not just in person?: Yes — sexting and phone sex are essentially dirty talk in a different format, and for some couples it's actually easier to build comfort with explicit language over text first before bringing it into in-person encounters.

Free download

Get the BDSM contract template

A plain-language negotiation and contract template you can adapt with a partner — plus the rest of our beginner reading list, straight to your inbox.